Sausage Tales: Spend a Penny!
One day I had just collected Sausage from school and was stopping off at the butchers shop on my way home. Whilst standing in the queue Sausage blurted out “Mum, I need a wee”. I bent down and whispered to him “Just hold on, we will be home in 5 minutes”. “But I need a wee now” he insisted. Again I bent down in an effort to quieten him down, “Listen, you can hold on for two minutes, I am nearly at the front of the queue”. He seemed to accept this and knowing full well he was capable of holding on for just another minute or two I turned to look at the cuts of meat. After just a few seconds I heard gasps around me and swung around quickly. The sight that confronted me made my mouth fall open and my eyes pop wide. There, just outside the butchers shop, facing right up against the large plate glass window was Sausage relieving himself against the glass!. I ran out of the shop horrified and grabbed him, fixing his trousers quickly and dragging him away with a face resembling a cherry tomato. All he said was, “But I told you I wanted a wee”! Exasperated I hurried him home and prepared for another long winded explanation of why that behaviour simply isn’t ok!
One day whilst I was at work Sausage was being looked after by my Mum. When I arrived to pick him up he was sat on the chair totally silent… VERY unlike him. When I asked “what’s going on? Why is he so quiet?” My Mum just gave him a look and shook her head. “He been misbehaving?” I asked. “Oh!” she said “come with me and I will show you how he’s been behaving” I followed her out into the kitchen and she took the lid off the bin. Inside was what looked like the remnants of about 500 cigarettes. “What’s all that?” I asked and heard Sausage shout from the living room “I was only trying to help”. Then it dawned on me these were un-smoked cigarettes. He had found the stash she had saved from cartons people had brought her back from their holidays abroad and had 3 200 packs of cigarettes. Knowing how bad for you these things are Sausage proceeded to smash every last one to little pieces and put them in the bin in the time it took my Mum to go to the loo! I must admit I had to try very hard not to laugh but thought I best not inflame Mum’s fury any further. I assured her I would replace them and took Sausage home to yet another explanation. “Yes, they are bad for you but Nanna knows that and it’s up to her whether she smokes or not. You must never do that again.” I told him.” But Mum, if Nanna is too silly to not smoke I have to stop her somehow coz I don’t want her to die.” Sometimes I think kids actually have it right!
Sausage Tales: Sense of humour?
So it was time for Sausage’s little sister to have her first injections at 3 months old. When I was called into the surgery at the clinic I obviously had to take Sausage in with me. The baby behaved really well. I had to take her clothes off for her to be weighed and checked over and then the doc gave her the injections with no problem whatsoever.
I then moved over her to re-dress her when all of a sudden I felt a searing pain in my backside and leapt up in the air with a yelp! Sausage then burst into hysterical laughter and I turned to see the doctor with a horrified look on his face and Sausage holding the needle that the doc had just used to inject his sister. Whilst the doctor had been writing (bearing in mind he should REALLY have put this needle straight into the bin before writing anything) Sausage had hatched his apparently hilarious plan and quickly picked up the needle and rammed it right into my jacksy!
Later on it was difficult for me not to laugh, but it really was time for Sausage to start to learn the word consequences! He spent a while in his room alone thinking over the stern talking to he’d had whilst I sat downstairs shaking my head and laughing like a lunatic!
There had recently been some wretched reports in the local papers of a satanic ring bust that had included many children. This had been a pretty horrific case and I had no desire to dwell on it.
One fine day I was cleaning the house when the phone rang. It was Sausage’s infant school head teacher. She told me I needed to come to the school at once to discuss something Sausage had told the teacher. Obviously worried sick I dropped everything and rushed right round to the school. When I arrived I was confronted by his class teacher and his head mistress and was invited into the office to chat. Sitting down very nervously I anxiously asked what had happened. The two teachers looked pretty grave and my stomach was in my mouth! The head teacher told me they were very worried because Sausage had told them his grandmother had been feeding him dog food! My jaw nearly hit the floor but after only around two seconds I started to laugh. The teachers looked at each other looking very puzzled and quite concerned. I realised I best explain and quick smart. I then went on to explain to them that Sausage’s nanna on his Dad’s side had a dog that did not actually ever eat dog food. His nanna used to buy best cuts of meat, chicken, liver, lamb, chops, SAUSAGES, you name it and cook them up for the dog. On occasion she would give Sausage little pieces of meat just before putting a portion into the dog’s bowl. Knowing Sausage as they did they, thank heavens, knew I was telling the truth and that’s all there was too it.
Tonight’s lesson for Sausage was going to have to be the explanation that not everything a dog eats is necessarily dog food!
So, I had just collected Sausage from pre-school nursery class and stopped off at the Chemist’s shop on the way home. He was pottering about in the shop chattering away to himself when a rather large lady asked him his name. He answered with his full title including middle name and added that he had just been to school. Looking impressed the lady asked how old he was. “I am two years old” he answered. Looking even more impressed the lady said “You speak very well for such a little chap don’t you?” Sausage replied……….”Yes I do” then quickly added “why are you so fat?”!!!!!
I nearly died on the spot! Rushing over profusely apologising and admonishing Sausage at the same time I watched as her smile dissolved and she turned on her heels and marched off.
Sausage wanted to know what he had done wrong, confusedly telling me that I had told him it is wrong to lie and that he was only telling the truth and the lady was indeed very fat! Herein began a long journey to teach Sausage the relationship between honesty and tact!